Changing Façade of Relationships

There are some TV shows which are so much discussed about that it piques your curiosity and you actually end up watching it, justifying herd behaviour among humans. A few days back I watched one such hyped show, ‘13 Reasons Why’. It was a show about a teenager who commits suicide because she is a victim of bullying in her high school. She is in dire need of friends and wants to have a feeling of belongingness. She is emotionally wrecked by her classmates who she approaches with an expectation of building friendship. The 13 episodes show the 13 reasons why she takes her own life and the people compelling her to do it.  I felt some of the reasons were highly ludicrous, yet it made me think about the superficiality and changed forms of relationships these days.

Human beings are social animals and therefore we often find people in groups. The primitive man, too needed people along with him to chase and bring down a big game in forest. As man progressed, the need to be a part of a group grew. Man felt the need to be among the people who gave him warmth, with someone he could share his joys and sadness. It is an influx of countless emotions. These emotions led to creation of a society. As individuals, we are minions in this gargantuan organization called society. Relationships are something which bind the society together. We have developed a lot over the years and so have our relationships with people around us. Our relationships got bifurcated into personal and professional relationships. Professional relationships are highly masqueraded ones. No matter how much of difference of opinions you have with someone, it always has to be suppressed with a smile. We often hide our true selves only because we want to be accepted. Building relationships and nurturing them helps to build long lasting businesses. Genuineness in relationships does not really matter in professional world, as long as you work or get the work done. As someone who has lately started to understand the mechanism of professional relationships, I realized that very few would really be concerned and help you out in times of need. Others are just passive onlookers who would be good at pretending and sighing at your maladies. I think sometimes that in an attempt to appear ‘strictly professional’ we often forget basic human values. Talking about relationships in business world, where customer is God, a lot of emphasis is laid on keeping the customers happy, or so is propagated. Recently when my mobile talktime had got unrightfully deducted from my account, my cellphone service providers credited the lost amount to my account, as a ‘one-time goodwill activity’. That means the goodwill was limited to only this one instance and I shouldn’t expect any further ‘act of kindness’ from them again, when I face similar unjust situation in future. Even if I change my service provider in future, it will hardly matter to the company. It would be like losing just one drop from huge ocean of customers.

Personal Relationships too have changed and modernized. We are emotionally attached to our families and friends, or so since I last heard it. Sadly ‘give and take’ is the foundation of many friendships today. We feel obligated to return the favour done to us by our friends, otherwise we fear that our perception in the minds of our friends might change. This is hardly a surprising phenomenon in the materialistic world. Nowadays the standard of living has improved. People are attracted to those friends who would throw huge parties or spend heavily on them, but would neglect those who would be silent well-wishers. ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed’ seems like a passé in this fast developing world, where people face huge paucity of time. As if to overcome this guilt for not being there for friends, verbal expressions of concern and emoticons do the soothing or providing of mental support. A lot has to be expressed these days rather than implying. However, the world still possesses innumerable selfless beings for whom trust, honesty, respect and love are the foundation of long lasting friendships.

Even the idea of family has changed. For Indians, a family would mean parents, grandparents, children and a huge chain of extended family. We consider blood relationships to be supreme and ultimate. We are sensitive towards our families and they form epicenter of every decision that we make. In western countries, the face of family itself has changed, thanks to technology and more preference towards better professional life. I believe that learning a language does not only mean learning new words or expressions. It also means understanding the culture and society of the country. A few weeks back we were discussing the nature of relationships in German society. I learnt this interesting and never-heard-before concept of ‘Mehrgenerationenhaus’ where people of different generations who are not related by blood stay together cordially in a house or a building. The main purposes of such a living are to have meaningful conversations, an exchange of ideas with each other and develop relationships. The young help the old by doing their chores or by teaching them aspects of modern technology. There are various activities and courses for people of different generations, thus building a synergy and optimistic attitude among people. No one feels lonely in such a structure. There are ‘Leihomas’ and ‘Leihopas’ literally meaning ‘borrowed grandmas and grandpas’ where the retired old people volunteer to look after the children of working parents. The parents are more than delighted to leave their children with these ‘grandparents’ as they are assured that their children will learn good values from them. Nowadays where even the blood relationships are not so deep, this serves as an example as to how humanity, trust and respect are the basis to begin any relationship.

Live-ins, co-parenting, single parenthood, long distance relationships are prevalent in German society. There are couples who meet only on weekends i.e. who belong to ‘Wochenendbeziehung’ and plan to spend quality time together. I read one interesting article about this concept. It said that such relationships give enough freedom to partners to have their own space and not intrude into each other’s privacy which might happen while living together. This avoids arguments and the love is believed to remain intact, where the couples can discuss their problems and worries when they meet and emotionally support each other. In France, under the legal contract of ‘Pacte civil de solidarité’ unmarried couples live together. These contracts can be easily revoked. This contract is signed in presence of a notary, without any ceremony. The partners get visiting rights if either of them is hospitalized. They are also entitled for pensions, if either of the partners dies. And then we thought that marriage is the final step or a ‘license’ to stay together! Laws can be innovative too, something which encourages us to change the way we think.

In co-parenting, two or three individuals, who are not in love with each other, who do not know each other very well, can be united with the common purpose of raising a child together. This is common among the LGBT community who fulfil their wish to have a child; of course love is a factor that is very much present. On the contrary there are instances of persons who have failed relationships in the past, but would like to have children without getting married or without getting into serious relationships. A lot of heterosexuals, too welcome such a model of relationship to raise a child in a loveless relationship. As Indians, we would be brutally and culturally shocked to think of such new forms of relationships. Most of us would term such kind of societies as ‘westernized’ or ‘without values or morals’. We cannot be blamed for such thinking as we have grown in a patriarchal society. We would still stand firm on our conventional model of family. Sometimes I think we should thank our traditions and values for our closely knit families, which teach us tolerance, sharing, empathy and understanding.

Relationships are like plants which have to be nurtured with love and care. Any form of hatred, anger or misunderstanding can wither them away. In any relationship, the spark is alive as long as there is love and warmth. The faces of relationships have changed; people have explored new ways and means to strike harmony with fellow human beings. Some relationships provide temporary respite, while others last for a lifetime. When the river of life is slowly ebbing away, we won’t think of those relationships in which we have been superficially present, but those who have gifted us precious memories and lots of smiles- our genuine relationships, be it our family, friends, neighbours or any stranger who has contributed to make our life better.